April 10th was once one of the worst days of my life. I used to dread whenever this day would come because it would remind me of a day that was filled with horror and changed my life. After that day I could not walk around malls and stores the same. My life became a movie where I would go around every aisle fearful of what I may find on the other side. I hid for a year and a half and only those I trusted and were close to me knew where I lived and what name to call me if they left a message on the answering machine.
I remember a year after everything happened some friends picked me up early in the morning and took me out for a fun day so I would not be thinking of what had happened the previous year. I remember one of my friends gave me a card and in it he wrote Isaiah 43:18-19 “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Sadly I didn’t listen to those verses and life became worse for me. I hated having post traumatic stress disorder, I couldn’t sleep and hated my life. I had so many great things around me but couldn’t see that because I was in this bubble of immense fear and hurt. I ended up falling into a deep depression, trying to take my own life and waking up in the hospital to the doctors saving me. I stayed in the hospital for two weeks and got out knowing I would never try to take my life again, but still wishing I was dead. I blamed the hurts I had against the church and man on God and decided life without Him was better. That’s when life became even worse. In my mind I thought I was happy and I would be for short periods but I got involved in things that weren’t right and all of a sudden life was filled with deep fear in a different way than I had ever experienced before. Ephesians 6:12 says “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places”. I experienced what that verse talks about.
September 3rd is a day I will never forget as that was the day I realized there was hope and when God used a song to open my eyes and make me realize that He was bigger than any powers the enemy had on me and any fears he was trying to put in my life. That day I knew that I didn’t care what attacks the enemy tried to throw at me that I wanted Him in my life more then anything. I knew at that moment God was greater and I asked Him to forgive me for all I had done against Him. Wow did life change after that! Sure I still have struggles and hardships but God changed my life completely and there is so much light in my life now. Who would have known that God would bless me with a man who’s birthday was on April 9th and many years go by now where on April 10th I don’t remember the bad day but I see it now as one that continues to be filled with so much gratefulness and awe towards God because I’m always remembering my husband and his life and what it means to me.
Yesterday in church as we sang one of the songs that we sang during worship at our wedding and then sang the song that Travis and I sing to our children every night as they fall asleep; I felt like crying. In the last couple of weeks I have had many tell me I don’t look my age. It makes me chuckle but it makes me remember life in my twenties and for me personally I am just glad that is over and I never have to go back for those were not my best years. Life in my thirties have been some of my best years. My life could have gone a different way but I am thankful that God delivered me from all I was trapped in and that I am where I am. I can’t imagine life without my husband who adores me, can’t imagine life without my oh so sweet and beautiful boys and I definitely cannot imagine what life would be like if I did not trust and believe in the King who reigns over all this world. The one who loves me more then I could ever imagine and the one who is constantly watching over me. It is because of Him that I can continue to have joy, hope and peace and it is because of Him the incidents that happened years ago do not dwell in my mind and I can be thankful for April 10th 2017 and everything that it brings.