I was done. All the stress, fear, sadness, and hopelessness had gotten to me. I felt like life wasn’t worth living anymore. I thought about the movie I had just seen. In the movie at the end the main character said goodbye to his close friends, got on a boat and you knew he was going far away to a place where he would never see his loved ones again. I watched that part of the movie thinking, I wish that were me. I wished I could get on a boat and go far away never to return to the life I was living. I was ready to give up on life. I had some dark, sad music on and my thoughts just swirled down in the deepest, darkest pit. There was absolutely no light I could see. I have heard people say you aren’t selfish when you commit suicide, but in my case I was selfish. I wasn’t thinking about my parents, my sisters, and my brother who loved me deeply. I wasn’t thinking of my niece and nephew and how my brother would have to one day explain to them what had happened to me, I wasn’t thinking about the friends who had been there for me. I was thinking of myself and the pain and brokenness I was in and had been feeling for so long. I wanted it over. I wanted it to end. Before I knew it, my thoughts had gotten away from me, and I tried to end my life.
I ended up in the hospital. A friend realized I wasn’t making sense when I talked to her and came to my house and found me. I don’t remember a lot. I lost conscience of what I was doing pretty fast. I remember waking up in the hospital and the doctors were trying to shove something horrible into my mouth. I remember taking a drink and then passing out again. I woke up in a room in the hospital and had to stay in that unit for a few weeks. The nurses and doctors were so helpful and caring and I was able to share things with them I hadn’t shared with anyone. Every day I had to go to classes, and by the end of my time at the hospital, I knew I would never try to take my own life again.
So what helped me?
- A contract for life. This is something I signed with a friend when she knew I was down. I had a copy of the contract and it said that I promised to get a hold of her if I was ever feeling suicidal or felt like I was going to end my life. My friend’s contract said she would be there for me and try to help me if I wasn’t thinking rationally.
- Writing down three memories that would bring joy to me when I would read them.
- Writing down on another piece of paper names of people who I knew needed me in their lives. People like my little niece and nephew who adored me.
- My sisters bought me a cat who I named Alastair. Somehow the comfort of that cat and the thought that I had to take care of him helped me to not want to leave him. He also made me smile a lot and at the time I needed that.
These may seem like silly or small things, but these things helped me when I was down. I know right now there are a lot of people that are down and feeling hopeless and feeling stuck and lonely. My hope for them is that they don’t get into a deep pit as I did. That they don’t let their minds race out of control without telling anyone until it is too late. If that is you I would tell you to share how you are feeling with someone you trust and can rely on. Sign a contract for life if you are down so that you can call, text, or message someone when your thoughts run where they shouldn’t. Write down reasons to live, people you love, thoughts and memories that make you happy, and keep them in your wallet, glove compartment, or somewhere where you can look at them when you are having a bad day.
Another thing I’d say. Look to the future. Even when it all seems bad and like it couldn’t get worse know that is a lie and know your life can turn around as mine did. Life can be good, life can be joyful and you can be happy. When I was in the darkest place I have ever been I never would have imagined where I am now. I’m not in a perfect life and there can still be some real struggles sometimes, but wow, I have been blessed. I am thankful that I can now recognize in myself if I am feeling down at all and that I can share with my husband, family, and close friends those feelings. It is so important to not hold the sadness in and I too have to remember that.
A year after this dark night God changed my life in a whole new way and that was and is so important to me too. If you ever want to ask me about it send me a personal message and I will happily share, but for this post, I wanted to share some practical things that helped me when my life was upside down in case it can help anyone reading this. Know I am there for you if you are feeling down. I know it’s hard to meet right now, but I will do what I can to stay connected with you on here and try to encourage you and remind you of blessings around you because trust me they are there.